Why?

Why is it, that when you're about to have a medical procedure done, people feel compelled to tell you just how awful of an experience you're about to have?

My CT scan is in a couple of hours, and it really perturbs me the number of people who have "warned" me that the barium liquid is terrible. I know it is terrible. I have sat through the procedure a number of times with my brother, watched him steel his nerves against vomiting on the carpet, etc. As it is I am fasting so that gives me a headache. And I'm terribly concerned Lincoln will decide to stop nursing since he will have to take a bottle for 24 hours.

So, lots on my mind without the added stress of helpful folks telling me how crappy my procedure will be. Same thing with my colonoscopy. Like, I didn't need you to tell me that having epic diarrhea for twelve hours followed by someone shoving a camera up my butt was gonna suck. I sorta figured as much on my own. Sheesh.

My mantra is: someone else is going through a way worse procedure, and I continue to be thankful for modern medicine. Period. Thank you, sweet Jesus, for barium liquid, for cameras to go up butts, and for doctors who committed their lives to looking up butts for their living!

A Letter

Dear Everyone Asking When I'm Going to Have Another Baby,

First and foremost, how rude! There are several reasons why you should never ask someone such a question and they include (but are not limited to) fertility issues, sex issues and money issues. But! Since you asked, I am going to answer.

I believe with all my heart that you owe it to your kids to be the best you can be. This means doing your best to raise them properly. Now, Lincoln is only 8 months old. If I were to be pregnant, that would mean having two children under the age of two. Now, plenty of people love that scenario and for many it works. Let me be clear: I could not be the best possible mother with two kids that close in age.

I just couldn't.

It would be a disservice to my offspring. More power to ya if that is your deal, but to be my best for them, I need some spacing.

And another thing! Baby making is supposed to be fun. To be honest, we are not yet back to fun. Because Lincoln is still almost exclusively breast fed, and in combination with lovely hormones, I suffer the same issue as most menopausal women. Yeah, I'm lucky like that. So, with my sex life in the (temporary) crapper, it is highly unlikely I will be having that oh-so-special baby making sex. (Aren't you glad you read my blog so you can get guaranteed TMI posts in your feed? No. Harumph.)

And last but certainly not least, I am broke. So broke, in fact, that I probably qualify for public assistance. I don't believe you should accept benefits unless you really need them, so for now I haven't collected. But my point here is that if I can barely afford the kid I have now, I don't really have any business making another one. When the glorious day arrives that we no longer live with my parents, and are more financially stable, I will hurriedly get knocked up.

We do want more kids in the future, but in the meantime we are enjoying the infant we still have. I'm so glad you're happy that you knocked out a grip of kids consecutively. I also appreciate you think I have the mettle to do the same. But please, for the love of all that is Holy, do not ask me at the zoo in front of 5 other women, at church, in the grocery store (I'm looking at you, Strangers!) or any other time for that matter. Procreation is personal. I don't mind sharing certain things in private, but as someone who didn't get pregnant the very second they started trying, I really wish you'd stop asking when Blessing #2 is scheduled to make an appearance.

Signed,

Happy With What I've Already Got

Well, Crap!

I am thinking of re-naming this blog "Debbie Downer Central" because it seems all I have to write about lately is bad stuff. Sigh.

My doctor's office called. To make a long story short, back when I had my gallbladder removed, the e.r. doctor noted some irritation with my colon. We all know I procrastinated on seeing the colon specialist and initially she said I didn't need a colonoscopy, that my issues were related to my fissure. She did say that she would review my CT scan to be sure, but that usually those who don't specialize in the colon don't typically know what they're looking at.

I guess that random dude DID know what he was looking at because now I have to have a colonoscopy. I am kicking myself so hard for waiting so many months. How could I endanger myself this way? I am such a fool. I have a baby that I really want to live to see grow up.

So, now I have to worry about healing up this fissure, only to have a camera shoved up my butt immediately after. Two steps forward, three steps back.

I just keep telling myself I am blessed to live in a country where such medical procedures are available. I could've been born in a Third World country. I could've waited a year instead of 6 months. "Shoulda, woulda, coulda." People are already telling me how awful the bowel prep kit is. Well, I will take it if it means peace of mind and taking care of my health. Going forward I am going to learn from my mistakes and take charge of my health. The alternative is much, much worse.

PLEASE learn from my mistakes and go to the doctor if you need to!

Scarrrrrred

As you may recall, about two weeks ago I lost a friend to a sudden illness. She was in good health and it has sent all who knew her reeling.

In all the years I have known him, my husband has never called out sick from work. Today he did.

And today, without the usual fuss, he allowed me to make him a doctor's appointment.

I should disclose that the night prior, I had a headache and asked him to cancel his plans with a friend to help me with Lincoln. The second he walked in the door he kept saying how sick he felt, and he even took a 2-hour nap on the couch, all while I seethed that I never get a break from parenting. He even apologized before bed, explaining that he really did feel extremely sick.

My husband has pneumonia. Lots of people get it, but it is also to be taken seriously. He had been coughing for going on 7 weeks, but yesterday his symptoms went from annoying to extremely concerning.

Clearly we have issues in this family with going to the doctor in a timely fashion.

Anyway, I am confident in his treatment and expect a quick recovery. But! If you can learn anything from my crankiness, it is that we all need to exercise compassion, regardless of how we are feeling. And also, hold your loved ones a little tighter.

Warning: TMI Post

There's a saying I really like that floats around out there. I'm sure you've heard a version of it. It goes something along the lines of, "You plan, God laughs."

There are two reasons I had a c-section and both were equally important for me. The first being that I honestly didn't feel woman enough to deliver vaginally. The mere thought of a natural birth gave me an anxiety attack. No exaggeration.

The second reason was, I was hoping to avoid stuff like hemorrhoids. Yeah, well, I'd take only hemorrhoids over the other post-birth complications any day!

I, my friends, have a severe internal fissure. Why am I telling the internet this? Because hopefully it makes one other woman not afraid to go to the doctor, not afraid of the exam, or not afraid, in general, to talk about what happens after you have a baby.

A simple Wikipedia search returned some info, but it wasn't quite accurate for my situation. You see, my tear is internal. There is no exterior evidence. Basically, I have a rip in my muscle wall. The doctor said that it can take over a decade to heal because the area never gets any rest. Basically the skin covering the muscle can't be pulled taught if it is going to heal; rather, it needs to loosen up so a scab can form. Well, if you ever poop, the skin is pulled taught.

Everybody poops.

There, I said it.

I guess now this is a poop blog.

To be honest, I put off going to the doctor for months because I was so mortified over what the exam would entail.

It was over in less than a minute and was painless. The doctor treated me with total dignity and put me at ease. She was heaven sent! The other reason I avoided going was because I didn't want bad news (i.e. my brother's cancer) and I didn't want a colonoscopy.

Both reasons are foolish.

I have a child and i owe it to him to set a good example and take care of myself.

Anyway, treatment is not glamorous but what can ya do?

Please, I implore you, if you're having issues, please see someone.

And yeah, everybody poops.

Phew! 1 Down, 1 To Go!

I saw the dermatologist today.

The suspicious spot on my face is NOT skin cancer. I am so thankful!

He also removed an unsightly mole, and gave me an awesome rate to have all my cherry angiomas removed, which I plan to schedule as soon as I can find someone to watch Lincoln. Lasers may be my new best friend!

Friday's appointment is the one I am dreading the most, as the idea of someone looking up my butt automatically gives me hives. However, I keep reminding myself that Lincoln needs his mother and it is my responsibility to take care of my health. If not for my sake, than his. To soften the blow I also remind myself that someone deliberately CHOSE this particular specialty, even if I think it is a heinous job. Hey, someone's gotta do it, right? So very thankful for specialists who work in the field of Gross!

Rough Week

So, last week was super sad.

This week won't be much better, and it stands to be a lot more stressful.

I am trying to help organize meals and the memorial service for my friend who passed. I really hope I can do well by her family.

In the midst of all that I have two doctor appointments I am absolutely dreading. On Wednesday I have to see a dermatologist to make sure whatever is on my face isn't skin cancer. On Friday I have to see a different specialist to make sure that I don't have colon issues of some sort. Fun! Not really.

If you're so inclined, please send some good vibes or prayers my way that I don't screw up what should be a special day to honor and celebrate my friend, and that my body isn't trying to tell me bad news.

Much obliged.

Sad Day

A friend of mine died this morning.

She got sick and then within a day she was gone.

Her daughter is in preschool and her son is in kindergarten.

I can't begin to fathom the loss for her husband and sweet babies.

Sometimes life just doesn't make sense. I know it isn't for me to understand, or anyone for that matter. It is just such a heartbreaking tragedy.

Today is a sad day.