Tomorrow is our anatomy scan. If Rob gets his way, the baby will offer up a crotch-shot. As for me, I am filled with fear, the same way I am before every appointment. Learning the gender is merely a bonus to this important medical investigation of our baby's health.
So many horror stories I have heard are floating in my head. Feels like we have already been too blessed thus far. I don't know how I'm going to get any sleep tonight. My sincerest wish is that baby is healthy.
Monday, March 21, 2011
Sunday, March 20, 2011
A Weighty Issue
Since I started out pregnant well above my ideal weight, I have been very preoccupied with not gaining too much weight. According to my own research, a woman my size should look to gain approximately 15 pounds but not much more.
Now, my doctor has not mentioned my weight at all. As mortifying as it would be, I know she would just be doing her job. According to my home scale, I have gained about 4 pounds. It doesn't seem like a lot in comparison to what some women have shared they've gained by week 21, but our playing fields are not level.
With my anatomy scan on Tuesday I am becoming increasingly paranoid that my baby is starving or will measure small/behind. I'm trying to be rational about it all, but I could really kick myself for starting this journey as a full-fledged member of Team Fat Ass; it is only adding to my stress and paranoia (which it should if I take my baby's health seriously, don't get me wrong!)
Judging by the photographic evidence my gut is growing. A lot. But according to my mom I don't look pregnant, yet I also look like I've lost weight. How is this possible? Some other friends have remarked that I do look pregnant but maybe they're just trying to make me feel good?
Prior to getting pregnant my friend Rachel made a comment that has stuck with me for about 2 years. She is a mom of two and she said that your body does amazing things while pregnant, specifically, picking and choosing where it draws from and what it uses. She was gently comforting me over my concerns about just how much weight to lose before pregnancy without stressing my body by having to lose weight twice. I must admit this baby has kindly sucked up some of my back fat. Thank you, baby! I'm still in smaller pants, etc.
On my next visit I don't get to see my actual doctor, instead I will be visiting with their nurse practitioner. I am going to pick her brain a bit and then pick my doctor's brain next month. Do you have any suggestions for questions someone in my position should ask?
Now, my doctor has not mentioned my weight at all. As mortifying as it would be, I know she would just be doing her job. According to my home scale, I have gained about 4 pounds. It doesn't seem like a lot in comparison to what some women have shared they've gained by week 21, but our playing fields are not level.
With my anatomy scan on Tuesday I am becoming increasingly paranoid that my baby is starving or will measure small/behind. I'm trying to be rational about it all, but I could really kick myself for starting this journey as a full-fledged member of Team Fat Ass; it is only adding to my stress and paranoia (which it should if I take my baby's health seriously, don't get me wrong!)
Judging by the photographic evidence my gut is growing. A lot. But according to my mom I don't look pregnant, yet I also look like I've lost weight. How is this possible? Some other friends have remarked that I do look pregnant but maybe they're just trying to make me feel good?
Prior to getting pregnant my friend Rachel made a comment that has stuck with me for about 2 years. She is a mom of two and she said that your body does amazing things while pregnant, specifically, picking and choosing where it draws from and what it uses. She was gently comforting me over my concerns about just how much weight to lose before pregnancy without stressing my body by having to lose weight twice. I must admit this baby has kindly sucked up some of my back fat. Thank you, baby! I'm still in smaller pants, etc.
On my next visit I don't get to see my actual doctor, instead I will be visiting with their nurse practitioner. I am going to pick her brain a bit and then pick my doctor's brain next month. Do you have any suggestions for questions someone in my position should ask?
Saturday, March 19, 2011
Gah!
I had my first nightmare about labor and delivery. It featured a slew of friends who will have nothing to do with my delivery, which is odd.
Interestingly, in the dream I was attempting to deliver vaginally.
If I'm being candid, the issue of vaginal delivery versus c-section has been on my mind a lot lately. If you know me at all, you know that the mere thought of a vaginal delivery gives me hives. No joke. My heart rate goes up, I sweat and get all-around flustered.
I know this is a polarizing issue for many women. Even women who have never given birth have strong opinions. I'm not trying to discount the first-timers but I will admit that I sometimes take the opinions of women who have already done it, more seriously.
The only strong opinion I have, more or less, is that I want my baby delivered safely. I will not feel like any less of a woman or as if I didn't get to have a "true" birthing experience if I don't deliver vaginally. I also acknowledge that the thought of major abdominal surgery sounds deplorable to some women, as though it should be avoided at all costs. I get it, I really do.
Part of me longs to share the intimacy of a vaginal birth with my husband. I am positive he would rise to the occasion as a great support to me. I know a vaginal delivery has tremendous benefits for babies. And I certainly know that women have been doing it since, well, ever. It all looks very beautiful and empowering in my head, but it doesn't feel like "me."
On our first doctor's visit, I expressed my intense trepidation over a vaginal delivery with my doctor. She shared with me that her first one was simply awful, and I felt good that she could relate to my fears. Further, she told me that so long as I acknowledged the risks involved, and so long as I promised I would not be birthing more than three children, she would allow me to forgo trying to vaginally deliver.
This was an immense relief to me! However, I am still not sold either way 100%. In my dream, I convincingly felt as though vaginal was the way to go. I even woke up feeling like it was feasible.
The good news is, I have plenty of time to contemplate my decision. The bad news is, my personality is as such that it isn't necessarily a good thing for me to marinate on something too long.
Lastly, there is this issue at play: I will be delivering at 38 weeks (no later!) due to my blood clotting disorder. That in itself is appalling to some but in comparison to the potential alternative (i.e. not getting to take a baby home at all) I am willing to bring baby home earlier than s/he might be ready. The best judge of when you are ready to give birth is your own body, and there's no way around that. My body might not willingly give my baby up at 38 weeks. It might be a fight. And to be honest, I am not interested in the Pitocin drip. Like, not even a little. Of course, I would do what I had to, but the fact is, the situation could very likely to turn to one in which I need a c-section. The way I see it, when major surgery is involved, I would like for it to be organized, planned and anticipated rather than an urgent and emergent situation. Basically, I'd like the c-section to be on my terms, and not because it is dire.
Obviously I have a lot to think about...
Interestingly, in the dream I was attempting to deliver vaginally.
If I'm being candid, the issue of vaginal delivery versus c-section has been on my mind a lot lately. If you know me at all, you know that the mere thought of a vaginal delivery gives me hives. No joke. My heart rate goes up, I sweat and get all-around flustered.
I know this is a polarizing issue for many women. Even women who have never given birth have strong opinions. I'm not trying to discount the first-timers but I will admit that I sometimes take the opinions of women who have already done it, more seriously.
The only strong opinion I have, more or less, is that I want my baby delivered safely. I will not feel like any less of a woman or as if I didn't get to have a "true" birthing experience if I don't deliver vaginally. I also acknowledge that the thought of major abdominal surgery sounds deplorable to some women, as though it should be avoided at all costs. I get it, I really do.
Part of me longs to share the intimacy of a vaginal birth with my husband. I am positive he would rise to the occasion as a great support to me. I know a vaginal delivery has tremendous benefits for babies. And I certainly know that women have been doing it since, well, ever. It all looks very beautiful and empowering in my head, but it doesn't feel like "me."
On our first doctor's visit, I expressed my intense trepidation over a vaginal delivery with my doctor. She shared with me that her first one was simply awful, and I felt good that she could relate to my fears. Further, she told me that so long as I acknowledged the risks involved, and so long as I promised I would not be birthing more than three children, she would allow me to forgo trying to vaginally deliver.
This was an immense relief to me! However, I am still not sold either way 100%. In my dream, I convincingly felt as though vaginal was the way to go. I even woke up feeling like it was feasible.
The good news is, I have plenty of time to contemplate my decision. The bad news is, my personality is as such that it isn't necessarily a good thing for me to marinate on something too long.
Lastly, there is this issue at play: I will be delivering at 38 weeks (no later!) due to my blood clotting disorder. That in itself is appalling to some but in comparison to the potential alternative (i.e. not getting to take a baby home at all) I am willing to bring baby home earlier than s/he might be ready. The best judge of when you are ready to give birth is your own body, and there's no way around that. My body might not willingly give my baby up at 38 weeks. It might be a fight. And to be honest, I am not interested in the Pitocin drip. Like, not even a little. Of course, I would do what I had to, but the fact is, the situation could very likely to turn to one in which I need a c-section. The way I see it, when major surgery is involved, I would like for it to be organized, planned and anticipated rather than an urgent and emergent situation. Basically, I'd like the c-section to be on my terms, and not because it is dire.
Obviously I have a lot to think about...
Friday, March 18, 2011
20 Weeks
This is a day late but much better than the complete lack of photo altogether for week 19. Man, it was HOT last night when I had Rob take this picture. I mean, really hot...and it's not even summer yet! 80 degrees at night is not going to work for me. Time to take advantage of having a good a/c system! Moving on...
How Far Along: 20 Weeks (More than 1/2 way done since this baby is being delivered at 38 weeks! Eeek!)
Size of baby: Mango.
Total Weight Gain/Loss: I lost almost an entire pound while travelling and have not gained it back so we are up a total of 4 pounds. People have been remarking to me like I look like I have lost weight. As evidenced by my photo, my stomach is growing so I'm not worried.
Maternity Clothes: I re-organized my closet and have found a wealth of non-maternity clothes that can be worn. So, not only do I get to feel good about being organized and clean, but I get to save money. There were clothes in there I forgot I had. Living out of boxes sucks but I really needed to put in the time and I am glad I did.
Gender: Next Tuesday is the BIG DAY. My friend Carrie and her husband have a tradition of picking two names they really love, and then waiting till they meet their baby to do the final selection. Rob and I love this idea. On the bright side, even though I wanted a surprise, this will help with the naming process. Rob will only half-heartedly discuss it till we know what is coming.
Movement: The baby wasn't very active AT ALL yesterday and had me worried but today seems to be back to normal. I have read that regular movement is not to be expected, and I am not skinny so until I can pick my doctor's brain about it, I am going to go with the notion that things are as they should be. I am amazing myself at the lack of panicking I have done this pregnancy. I always figured I'd be one of those women who calls hysterical at the slightest cramp, etc. but it has been the opposite. Even when I had spotting I didn't call. Maybe having no insurance has something to do with it, LOL.
Sleep: Not too shabby, actually.
What I miss: Nothing, really. It would've been fun to enjoy a green cocktail last night but it really wasn't a big deal.
Cravings: Chicken wings and cupcakes. I always thought women who would make statements like, "It's what the baby wants" were simply making excuses to indulge in their cravings, but I am eating crow. I literally ate chicken wings for dinner two nights in a row. I don't even like spicy foods but I have been pouring hot sauce onto different things, such as eggs. As for the cupcakes, well, I just can't help it. Fortunately/unfortunately, Rob is catering to my every whim in this department. We'll see how that one goes. At least chicken is semi-healthy.
Symptoms: My skin is looking somewhat decent and I bought a deep cleaning shampoo so for this week I am practically presentable. That said, it is too dang hot to style my hair so a ponytail it is! Gah! I hate wearing a ponytail because for me, they are NEVER stylish and always a cop-out.
Best Moment this week: Good health!
Wednesday, March 16, 2011
Whoooooo, Doggy!
The heartburn? It is getting worse, thanks for asking. I think it might be time to up my dose of antacids. I could, ya know, change my diet but whatever. (If I could wink at you right now, I would.) It is actually happening before I even eat so I know food is not the only culprit.
In other news, my hair still persists in smelling like mildew! I used some of my girlfriend's Herbal Essences and it seemed to keep the smell at bay so I bought some to use at home. Do you guys have any recommendations for me on a good shampoo? I am presently trying to wash out the reamining color so I can go black to blonde so color-safe is not necessary. I used to use a mouistruzing/anti-frizz/deep conditioning for damaged hair product but pregnancy has turned me into a greaseball so that is probably not necessary, either. From my health and beauty travels to target today I'd say there no longer exists a generic shampoo just for washing so I will take your suggestions. My hair is very, very thick. And it is humid. And I don't like Pantene at all. Please and thank you!
In other news, my hair still persists in smelling like mildew! I used some of my girlfriend's Herbal Essences and it seemed to keep the smell at bay so I bought some to use at home. Do you guys have any recommendations for me on a good shampoo? I am presently trying to wash out the reamining color so I can go black to blonde so color-safe is not necessary. I used to use a mouistruzing/anti-frizz/deep conditioning for damaged hair product but pregnancy has turned me into a greaseball so that is probably not necessary, either. From my health and beauty travels to target today I'd say there no longer exists a generic shampoo just for washing so I will take your suggestions. My hair is very, very thick. And it is humid. And I don't like Pantene at all. Please and thank you!
Tuesday, March 15, 2011
A Letter
Dearest Heparin,
I should've known this whole blood thinner thing was too good to be true. I was so spoiled on the Lovenox-no burning, complications, no bruising. But Heparin, you are a cranky older sister.
I know you are tried-and-true, I know you save lives, I know! But you are a witch!
To quote my husband, it looks like "someone took a paintball gun to my gut!"
And yes, you sting. Don't you know that people don't like to be stung? It hurts!
And lastly, you are not aging well. Most newer medicines come with much more civilized methods of injection. Ever heard of a pre-filled syringe? Fighting your 70's era needle is tiring. The fear of a embolism caused by a rogue bubble has me hesitating to push the syringe.
My dear, God willing, our days are numbered. I appreciate what you mean to my health and that of my baby, but I will not miss you. I am thankful to have had you but will not miss you. The fact that you're chewing my platelets up only to spit them out doesn't bode well with me, either; I'm lethargic because of you!
Please don't consider me an ingrate. I am so grateful for all you're capable of...I just prefer my medicine to come from this century. See you again in June-I sure hope time doesn't fly!
In crankiness,
Casey
I should've known this whole blood thinner thing was too good to be true. I was so spoiled on the Lovenox-no burning, complications, no bruising. But Heparin, you are a cranky older sister.
I know you are tried-and-true, I know you save lives, I know! But you are a witch!
To quote my husband, it looks like "someone took a paintball gun to my gut!"
And yes, you sting. Don't you know that people don't like to be stung? It hurts!
And lastly, you are not aging well. Most newer medicines come with much more civilized methods of injection. Ever heard of a pre-filled syringe? Fighting your 70's era needle is tiring. The fear of a embolism caused by a rogue bubble has me hesitating to push the syringe.
My dear, God willing, our days are numbered. I appreciate what you mean to my health and that of my baby, but I will not miss you. I am thankful to have had you but will not miss you. The fact that you're chewing my platelets up only to spit them out doesn't bode well with me, either; I'm lethargic because of you!
Please don't consider me an ingrate. I am so grateful for all you're capable of...I just prefer my medicine to come from this century. See you again in June-I sure hope time doesn't fly!
In crankiness,
Casey
Monday, March 14, 2011
Eeeeeeew, Gross!
In keeping with the theme of "honesty in pregnancy" for this blog, I thought we would talk some more about pregnancy sex.
I finally had some of that terrific sex everybody raves about. Yay!
But when I went to the bathroom, there was some sort of tissue or mass. Well, there were two of them, actually. They were the size of dimes and they were pinkish in color.
I knew better than to worry or turn to Dr. Google so I just went about my business. But! It was gross and it was an unwelcome sight. On my pregnancy boards I have seen women say it is your mucus plug, which then regenerates itself. I have also heard countless times that intercourse can cause irritation, which in turn causes bleeding. Well, this wasn't red blood, this was party-pink. Naturally there was no pain (only pleasure, rawr!) Any experienced moms care to wager what happened?
I may or may not have told Rob he took my virginity a second time!
I finally had some of that terrific sex everybody raves about. Yay!
But when I went to the bathroom, there was some sort of tissue or mass. Well, there were two of them, actually. They were the size of dimes and they were pinkish in color.
I knew better than to worry or turn to Dr. Google so I just went about my business. But! It was gross and it was an unwelcome sight. On my pregnancy boards I have seen women say it is your mucus plug, which then regenerates itself. I have also heard countless times that intercourse can cause irritation, which in turn causes bleeding. Well, this wasn't red blood, this was party-pink. Naturally there was no pain (only pleasure, rawr!) Any experienced moms care to wager what happened?
I may or may not have told Rob he took my virginity a second time!
Blogging Fail and Miscellany
Well, I didn't take a picture for week 20! FAIL! I have a good reason, though: I was travelling and it just felt off to ask anyone other than Rob or my family to take my picture. Too bad, too, since I was rocking non-clownish hair for once. Ha! I thought about taking one mid-week, and I still might. Or not.
I saw a lot of friends this past week and it was really fun to gauge their reactions to my pregnancy belly. When I got off the plane, Rob remarked that I looked noticeably more pregnant. If at any time I had delusions of still fitting in my pre-pregnancy pants, those fleeting thoughts are gone. And, this might sound odd, but I am sort've excited to see my post-baby body. I am curious what it will look like. I haven't packed on the pounds the way I feared I would so I have a glimmer of hope. I'm down almost a pound from last week, and considering the way I indulged with my girlfriends, this is a small feat.
Flying was pretty uncomfortable. I'm no waif to start and the seats only get smaller. Baby felt like it didn't have much room to maneuver, despite not being very big. My hips were killing me the entire flight. On my first flight the turbulence was quite severe. Somewhere over Arizona the captain came over the loudspeaker and said, "I've spoken with air traffic control and they've confirmed this is the best altitude we can do." Uh.... On my return flight, I had the row to myself but couldn't quite get comfortable.
I'm pretty confident I can feel the baby at this point. I know most people claim it is just gas, but pregnancy hasn't made me gassy (yay!) and it doesn't feel like any sensation I've ever felt before. What do you guys think? Is 20 weeks to soon to feel movement?
I have another confession: I ate 2 cupcakes today. For shame, I know. The odd thing is, I am normally a HUGE sweets fan, but this pregnancy have not been into much dessert. I had a cupcake craving and I satisfied it.
I saw a lot of friends this past week and it was really fun to gauge their reactions to my pregnancy belly. When I got off the plane, Rob remarked that I looked noticeably more pregnant. If at any time I had delusions of still fitting in my pre-pregnancy pants, those fleeting thoughts are gone. And, this might sound odd, but I am sort've excited to see my post-baby body. I am curious what it will look like. I haven't packed on the pounds the way I feared I would so I have a glimmer of hope. I'm down almost a pound from last week, and considering the way I indulged with my girlfriends, this is a small feat.
Flying was pretty uncomfortable. I'm no waif to start and the seats only get smaller. Baby felt like it didn't have much room to maneuver, despite not being very big. My hips were killing me the entire flight. On my first flight the turbulence was quite severe. Somewhere over Arizona the captain came over the loudspeaker and said, "I've spoken with air traffic control and they've confirmed this is the best altitude we can do." Uh.... On my return flight, I had the row to myself but couldn't quite get comfortable.
I'm pretty confident I can feel the baby at this point. I know most people claim it is just gas, but pregnancy hasn't made me gassy (yay!) and it doesn't feel like any sensation I've ever felt before. What do you guys think? Is 20 weeks to soon to feel movement?
I have another confession: I ate 2 cupcakes today. For shame, I know. The odd thing is, I am normally a HUGE sweets fan, but this pregnancy have not been into much dessert. I had a cupcake craving and I satisfied it.
Friday, March 4, 2011
18 Weeks
How Far Along: 18 Weeks
Size of baby: Sweet potato. I really love sweet potatoes so this is fitting.
Total Weight Gain/Loss: I am up 5 pounds. I have spent a lot of time out of the house this week which means I have actually been eating. I'm doomed now.
Maternity Clothes: Same issue as last week-which is that crop tops on pregnant bellies are not sexy, even for Kate Hudson.
Gender: We will know in a couple of weeks.
Movement: Sometimes it feels like someone is shifting their position in there but it is the lightest flutter so I can't truly confirm or deny.
Sleep: No rest for the wicked.
What I miss: Nothing. I'm blessed to be pregnant so I don't dare say anything negative.
Cravings: I wanted a soup and salad combo from Panera and I got it.
Symptoms: Bad acne, bad hair and a gut. <--This never changes.
Best Moment this week: Another healthy week.
Confession time: I joke a lot about how I didn't know I was pregnant for a long time, but if I am being honest there is a very serious reason why. This pregnancy has been marred by grief and agony over a family crisis. If I am being extra-honest, it has pretty much overshadowed most everything pregnancy-related. I am convinced God gave me an easy pregnancy because He knew I would crumble. I truly believe we're only given what we can handle, even if it feels like the depths of despair when we're in the trenches. Some days my baby is the only thing I have that feels positive so I am thankful for a brief daily respite. I am trying to document as much as I can so that I have not only a distraction, but a chronicle of joy. Happiness is circumstantial whereas joy is to be found in the heart.
Wednesday, March 2, 2011
Baby Daddy
Today is our 3-year anniversary. Time flies! I am so proud to call Rob my husband; I am blessed more than I am able to accurately describe (pregnancy brain doesn't help in trying to think of creative words.) In a coupe of years I hope we can have a killer vow renewal. My baby is going to be so lucky to have such a phenomenal man for its father; I done good!
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