I've been spoiled the last few years with some truly amazing friends. When I moved to Texas, I met even more amazing friends. As forewarning, this isn't a gripe about anyone in my life not doing enough for me so please don't think me an ingrate. I'm just...lonely.
My friendships here are different from what I am used to. The women I met here are loving, beautiful, smart, funny. Everything you would want in a friend. They love on me and my son and I am very thankful for them. But they're different types of friendships than what I had in California.
I miss the invites for lunch, laughing over a rare cocktail (I'm obviously not drinking now anyways, as I'm nursing, it's just the idea), I miss having other couples over for dinner and being invited over. It's harder for me to entertain here since I live with my family but surely if I were invited somewhere I would make an excellent dinner guest. A girl's night would do wonders for my spirit.
I want so desperately to acclimate but I must confess to being incredibly depressed. I don't want to be one of those needy, clingy people who invites themselves to things. And just as I had in California, I assume most of my friends have their long-standing inner circles and it is awkward to infiltrate. That's not to say anybody has been uninviting, it just becomes a matter of if it is a church activity, I am invited, but I don't get any invites for non-church stuff.
And really, my friends here bring a lot to my life and I don't expect them to be my entertainment committee. It really isn't about people not doing things for me, I'm just trying to communicate that I understand that most adults have different groups they socialize and sometimes it isn't often they mix. I don't want my friends to feel put upon and I don't want to invite myself to things.
Spending so much time indoors with Lincoln hasn't helped. I wouldn't change it but I do have some cabin fever. If I had few invites before, I have none now. Lincoln got an invite for a little friend's birthday party and even though I was in pain I busted my ass to make it there because I was so desperate for social interaction.
I just feel so sad. I'm starting a Kindermusik class with Lincoln this week and I will definitely try to find a mom's group on meetup.com but people have only had negative reactions to the mom's group idea thus far. Apparently the moms can be pretty clique-y. I know some women say they're closer friends with males but I am the opposite. I love female friendship/companionship. I just want someone to get a pedicure with or share a meal. I'm just going to try the groups and put myself out there, even if it turns out to be a bad idea. I figure I have nothing to lose and everything to gain. Desperate times call for desperate measures. I don't want the friends I do have here to feel burdened by me so it is imperative I find something else to occupy my friendship longings.
I just feel so sad and so lonely. It's crippling, really.
Part of my problem is I need to stop living in the past and remembering California. California is over and we live here now. Rob and I feel like we've been trying so incredibly hard to make friends that we must come across as desperate. Nobody wants to hang out with that! I just need to focus on making new friendships. Summer was practically awful for us because we had no invites for the 4th of July, the long holiday weekends, etc. One time someone invited us to their pool but otherwise we had not one BBQ, etc. We both have birthdays coming and I think we are not admitting to each other how depressed it makes us thinking we might not get to celebrate.
OK, time to get out of my own head and end this post. If you made it this far, you deserve a cyber cookie, LOL.
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I hear you! We moved just 2 months before Charlie was born. Meetup.com has been a lifesaver for me. I found two amazing groups that have quickly accepted me into their lives and have made me feel so much less lonely. We also started kindermusik last week. I know Charlie is a *little* young for it, but I'm loving the interaction with other parents and babies. Also, check your local libraries... ours has a lapsit story time (birth-age 1). Another great way to meet more moms. I'll be praying for you to find the right people to develop relationships with. It'll happen - just keep putting yourself out there!
ReplyDeleteAww, this is so sad! I know part of it has to do with being a new mom though. You have far more responsibilities than you had before and you have far less time for fun. It is normal for social time to go down when you have kids. People want to give you space. If you didn't have close friends there before then you will definitely see that gap in social time after having Lincoln. I would totally recommend meetup.com. I have been friends with some of the people I have met on there for years now. The other thing I would recommend is to find a LDS church and ask if they have a Music Makers program for you and Lincoln. It is totally free and fun. You have to participate at some point because it is free, but that is no biggie. Remember this time is all a transition and things will fall into place. Be patient.
ReplyDeleteOh Honey. I have wanted to invite you guys over for dinner for a while but i was afraid you would think I was being crazy.
ReplyDeleteWith a baby, you have a new chance of meeting some new friends, especially people at the same stage in life as you (i.e. with babies around the age of your son). I found a parent & baby group at the local community health centre (I don't know if you have something similar where you live), that was facilitated by a community health nurse. It was really good for "seeing ahead" to what my baby would be doing soon by watching those babies a couple months older than mine, and also for seeing what a range "normal" is, such as the variety of ages when babies learn to roll over, sit, stand. Like you said, you have nothing to lose and everything to gain by deliberately making an effort to meet other moms with babies.
ReplyDeleteOne other suggestion: look into finding a post-partum depression support group. You may think you're feeling lonely because of the situation before your baby was born, but post-partum depression may be making it worse.
Hope you make some good connections. Best of luck with it!
Hehe cyber cookie. That's a good one.
ReplyDeleteI can imagine how it might get lonely. I don't think there's anything wrong with putting yourself out there - and I think mom groups are a great idea! They seem like a great place to meet people who also need a pedicure or a nice lunch. Adjusting to new places is always tough. And cliques are SO annoying. I felt the same way at my job when I started here - that everyone already had their "people," but ultimately I found my own. It'll happen for you - just put yourself out there. You're awesome, people will figure it out!